In this article, Dr. Mitch Hicks lays out a few of the reasons that a man might begin looking at pornography, and hints at how casual use can devolve into what is commonly referred to as pornography addiction.
Dr. Hicks can be contacted at 833-710-7770 x2.
I am frequently asked what “makes” men use pornography to such a degree that it becomes like an addiction, and when should someone seek counseling or therapy for it. While the answer to that question is complicated, this article will briefly explore a few of the more common motivations that I see in my practice.
But first, we need to be clear about something. This is not so much about pornography use per se; whether or not this is an acceptable practice is best left to your conscience and your particular faith, morality, and ethical commitments. While there is often conflict between one’s ideals and one’s behavior in this area, I am writing about when the use of porn becomes a symptom.
How would you know if it’s a symptom? I’m glad you asked. One of the major signs is that its use has become unmanageable. It’s no longer a fleeting thought, brief temptation or something done for a few minutes to “get the job done” from time to time, but it becomes something over which one feels a building tension that one *must* seek its use – “I just had to get somewhere that I could take care of it.” Another is that its use is interfering with the rest of your life, such as use on company technology, taking up inordinate amounts of time, and/or its preferred over actual connection with another person.
With these ideas in mind, let’s explore what might drive someone into pornography. Let us start with an assumption: no one starts looking at porn to get addicted to it – to have it become the master over which they feel no control. And honestly, most people who use porn seem not to become addicted to it.
But for a man’s brain, pornography is very compelling. In his book Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain, My friend and colleague Dr. Bill Struthers gives a very compelling analogy. Remember back in the days when high definition televisions were fairly new? Many people would walk into their favorite electronics store and be immediately drawn to those HDTVs. For the male brain, porn is kind of like that. It’s really hard not to look when it’s right in front of you. Think that’s bunk? Seems the marketing executives don’t agree with you. And neither does the neuroscience. (in fairness, women’s brains are clearly also drawn to certain visual cues. Since my focus in this article in on men, I’ll leave those explorations to others).
So beyond the obvious, what draws men to pornography? While certainly this is not an exhaustive list, here are some examples:
- Curiosity. Pornography allows for a gateway to explore various aspects of sexuality without actually engaging in the behaviors. Perhaps it’s the young man wanting to learn about sex in general (though porn is a terrible sex educator in part because it sets very unrealistic expectations about responsivity and the acceptability of certain practices, so I can’t recommend this). Sometimes the man wants to explore sexual acts that are not acceptable to his partner.
- Differing Sexual Interests. Sometimes a man will know that he wants to engage in certain types of sexual behavior that are not acceptable to his partner and looking at porn depicting those actions allows for some release. For example, a man may have interest in BDSM activity, but his partner is uncomfortable (or quite often, he is just afraid that they will be uncomfortable) with it. Sometimes, it’s indicative of a much more significant relational issue such as when the man in a committed heterosexual marriage is drawn to porn depicting men having sex with men. In these cases, the use of pornography is seen a compromise that preserves the committed relationship.
- Sexual Needs Not Being Met in Committed Relationship. When a man (or anyone) feels that his needs are not being met within their committed relationship, they may start to look for alternatives. Given that most committed relationships include an expectation of monogamy, pornography seems like the obvious compromise.
- It Relieves Tension. Sex feels good, and sex within a secure emotional attachment to another is usually the best kind. It can shift to being problematic when sex – including use of pornography – becomes the primary way to deal with painful emotions. This will be a topic covered more fully in a subsequent post, but for now just know that a hallmarks of problematic pornography use (sometimes called pornography addiction) is
disordered emotional regulation and disrupted attachment.
When considered from a therapeutic perspective, none of these motives in and of itself represents a problematic relationship with porn. However, all of them can lay a foundation from which those problems can develop.
If you are worries that your use may have slipped over into the problematic, perhaps we can help.