If you’re the parent of a child with special needs, it can feel like each day brings new, unexpected challenges that no parenting book could have prepared you for. Your experience of parenting may look nothing like your original expectations, and part of you might be grieving for your child’s struggles as well as your own.
Perhaps you were already a parent when you welcomed your child with special needs. Now, you feel as though you have to relearn everything you thought you knew. Or maybe you’ve just become a parent for the first time, but the other first-time parents in your social circle can’t offer you much guidance when it comes to your child’s special needs. It’s perfectly normal to grieve in these circumstances. Here are a few steps towards accepting and managing this grief.
Give Yourself Grace
Whether you’re grieving the things that your child is unable to do, or your unfulfilled expectations for parenthood, you might feel an undercurrent of guilt underneath your grief. You may also worry about your child picking up on your grief.
You do not want to make them feel ashamed—your grief is not a personal failing, and it does not make you a bad parent. Acknowledging your feelings as legitimate grief, and giving yourself permission to experience these feelings without judgment, is key.
Practice Gratitude for the Little Things
Right now, it might feel like the big milestones that so many parents look forward to will be out of reach for your child. Instead of focusing on the future, try noticing small things that you can be grateful for today. It could be something as simple as saying “good morning” to your child, or appreciating the time you spend together as a family.
Expand Your Support System
Today, many parents feel burnt out and exhausted because they don’t have a community they can turn to for support. This is especially true for parents of special needs children. Chances are, you have more intensive caregiver responsibilities than many of the other parents you know. This can exacerbate your grief.
Consider if there are any additional support services you can apply for and accept help from others when it’s offered. You might be surprised by the generosity of people in your life.
Connect with Other Parents in Your Shoes
Loneliness and grief can go hand in hand. In addition to the grief you feel for your child, as well as your difficulties as a parent, you may also be grieving your lack of close friendships with other parents. It might be hard to relate to your friends and siblings who have become parents because they do not share in your experiences.
Befriending parents who are also raising special needs children can be deeply gratifying. You can look into online support groups or organizations in your area for this purpose.
Share Your Feelings with a Therapist
Lots of parents of special needs children keep their grief hidden. Sometimes they may even feel uncomfortable sharing these feelings with other parents who are in the same boat. You might worry that people will think of you as a bad parent if you admit to your grief.
Talking to a therapist who has experience working with parents of special needs children might be the right choice for you. In grief or trauma therapy, you can rest assured that everything you share will remain confidential. You will not have to worry about being judged for your grief.
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It can be hard to process the grief around parenting a child with special needs. By contacting our practice, we can connect you with a counselor who specializes in supporting the parents of children with disabilities.