The relationship you have with your parents or other primary caregivers in childhood can affect how you connect with people in adulthood.

Someone with caring parents who met their physical needs and gave them ample emotional support will likely grow up with a secure attachment style. They fundamentally trust other people, and they are willing to be vulnerable with a partner. They can also comfortably spend time away from their partner without feeling nervous or insecure.

On the other hand, someone who did not enjoy this kind of loving, compassionate relationship with their caregivers may grapple with attachment trauma as an adult. Perhaps you suspect that you’re dealing with attachment trauma as a result of your upbringing. Maybe you’re concerned that your partner has attachment trauma.

Here are a few common signs of attachment trauma in adults.

Avoiding Relationships Altogether

Many adults with attachment trauma will avoid entering committed relationships. They are worried that someone will let them down or use their vulnerabilities to hurt them, like their family did. They might be willing to go on a few dates with someone.

But even if there’s chemistry, they usually prefer to break things off early. Alternatively, they may be open to a committed relationship. Yet when their partner starts asking about marriage and children, they become nervous and back away.

Control and Trust Issues

Not everyone with attachment trauma fears committed relationships. In fact, some people take the opposite approach. They might be serial monogamists who always feel like they have to have a partner.

Additionally, when they do get into a relationship, they may be deeply uncomfortable with their partner spending time away from them. Someone with attachment trauma might be opposed to their partner going on a trip with their own friends, or they might constantly question whether or not they are being cheated on. Their partner’s reassurance doesn’t mean much.

Guilt and Shame

A person with attachment trauma may feel weighed down by the burden of guilt and shame. Growing up, their parents may have shamed them for things that were perfectly normal.

For example, they may have grown up in a deeply religious household and taught regressive beliefs about relationships and sexuality. Now, they might carry that shame with them into adulthood. People with attachment trauma may find themselves constantly questioning whether they’re doing something wrong, even if no one around them seems offended.

Difficulty with Emotional Regulation

Growing up in an unstable or emotionally distant household might mean that you didn’t have the chance to learn valuable emotional regulation skills. You may have learned that if your parents were upset with you, trying to share your own feelings would only lead to more trouble, so you suppressed your emotions.

Alternatively, you might have found that yelling was the only way to get your point across. You might bring these habits into new relationships and have trouble expressing your emotions calmly.

Mental Health Troubles

Unfortunately, lots of people with attachment trauma are more susceptible to mental health issues. In addition to their upbringing, their relationships with their relatives in adulthood can influence their mental health in many ways.

For example, someone who is estranged from their family may struggle with depression because they feel they have a lack of support in their life. Conversely, someone who has a complicated relationship with their family but chooses to stay in contact may experience chronic anxiety.

—

Are you or your partner struggling with attachment trauma in your relationship? A therapist can help you build a secure attachment style. Reach out to us to inquire about individual or couples therapy options.