When you’re fighting with your partner, it can be hard not to place the blame for the issue on them. And sometimes, your partner might have a tendency to blame you when something goes wrong. But falling into a pattern of blaming each other for bad situations can lead your relationship to a dark place.
Instead of learning to compromise, accepting where you both went wrong, and working to correct your mistakes, you might end up with ongoing conflicts in which neither of really want to make things right—you just want to prove each other wrong. Why is blame so often the downfall of relationships?
Here are a few reasons why this response to conflict can weaken your bond with your partner.
Fueling Resentment
Resentment can be the end of a previously happy relationship. When you and your partner are dealing with a conflict, and one of you places the blame entirely on the other, you will inevitably end up resenting each other for it. Even if you come to a shaky truce occasionally, resentment can grow between you.
One of you feels the other is holding them back. The problem will inevitably continue until you can both acknowledge that you each have your own role to play in making things better.
Building Contempt
Over time, resentment leads to contempt. Contempt can ruin a relationship. When one partner holds contempt for the other, these angry feelings will continue to fester. It is difficult to bring a relationship back from this point.
If one partner reaches a point where they are genuinely disgusted by the other, there will be little to no will to fix the situation.
Creating Distance
When you and your partner are in disagreement, or you simply encounter a challenging situation, you need to come together in order to solve it. But when you blame each other for the problem, you might be resistant to working together.
After all, if one of you believes the other is entirely at fault for the situation, it’s easy to feel like working together won’t bring about a solution. Instead, it’s on one partner to make things right on their own. However, this is very rarely the case.
Causing Arguments
Blaming one partner for an issue can cause more arguments. The fighting becomes an endless cycle that you can’t break out of. And with each argument, the feeling that one partner is to blame can grow stronger.
You might end up revisiting the same issue in one flight after another. You might end up bickering on a near-daily basis, and if one of you blames the other, it can be hard to see that you both need to commit to making things right.
Assigning blame to one partner can cause your arguments to continue for a long time.
Defensiveness
What happens when your partner places the blame for a problem on you? Chances are, you’re unlikely to respond by simply backing down. Instead, you become defensive—and if you know your partner shares some responsibility for what happened, too, this is a rational response. If you’re quick to blame your partner for a problem, they will naturally feel defensive towards you, too.
When someone is expected to shoulder all the blame for an issue, it’s easy to see why they go on the defense. But since defensiveness interferes with problem-solving and conflict resolution, blame can stop you from finding a solution.
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Do you and your partner have a tendency to point fingers when things go wrong? Couples therapy can help. Reach out to us today to discuss your options for scheduling your first session.