Have you ever wondered why a previous relationship with a seemingly ideal partner just didn’t work out in the end? Maybe the two of you had so much in common. But they would never allow themselves to be truly vulnerable with you. Or perhaps you genuinely loved your partner. Yet they relied on you so heavily for all of their emotional needs that you eventually had to step away from the relationship.

Many of these common relationship struggles can be linked back to attachment styles. Your attachment style as an adult is influenced by your early relationships with your primary caregivers. Here’s how people with each attachment style often approach relationships.

Anxious Attachment

A person with an anxious attachment style may put their partner at the center of their life. While they likely have low self-esteem, they will project all sorts of great qualities onto their partner. Often, anxiously attached people have higher opinions of their partner than they do of themselves. They may seek approval from their partner on everything, from the clothes they wear to their career choices.

An anxiously attached person has a deep fear of their partner leaving. Yet their behavior sometimes spells out the end of the relationship. Their partner may feel like they’ve been put on a pedestal, and they might feel suffocated by the expectation that they become someone’s “everything.”

Avoidant Attachment

When someone has an avoidant attachment style, they may keep their guard up when it comes to intimate relationships. They may not have had much attention from their caregivers when they were young, and they might have had to take on a high level of responsibility at a young age.

Someone with an avoidant attachment style may feel like they’ve always had to take care of themselves, so there’s not much point in relying on anyone else. They view themselves as strong and self-sufficient, and chances are, they try not to ask for help, even when they really need someone to lean on. However, this can make their partner wonder if they’re truly invested in the relationship. The romantic connection might feel shallow when one partner isn’t truly engaged or invested in the relationship’s future.

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

The anxious-avoidant attachment style, sometimes known as the disorganized attachment style, develops when a child has an inconsistent, abusive, or neglectful caregiver. As an adult, someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style desires love and compassion, but they don’t know how to express this in a healthy way. In fact, they can easily end up pushing away potential partners out of fear.

The partner of someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style might feel like the relationship is never on stable ground. They do crave closeness, yet they struggle with emotional regulation. It can be difficult to form a truly healthy long-term relationship for someone with this attachment style.

Secure Attachment

Finally, a securely attached person likely grew up with caregivers who gave them the emotional support they needed while encouraging their independence. Someone with a secure attachment style feels comfortable expressing their needs within a relationship, yet they don’t expert their partner to fulfill every single one of those needs.

While they enjoy being in a romantic relationship, they’re not afraid of solitude, either. They know that they can go through life independently if the right person doesn’t come along. A securely attached person has a healthy, realistic sense of self-esteem and approaches relationships with a mature perspective.

—

Are you and your partner struggling with your attachment styles? Working with a therapist can help. Reach out to us to discuss your options for scheduling your first session for relationship counseling or couples therapy.