It’s easy to think that infidelity is always characterized by a physical affair. But emotional infidelity can also be painful. Emotional infidelity can take many forms. However, it’s generally characterized by one partner maintaining a long-term, secretive, close relationship with someone outside of the relationship. This could be a classmate, coworker, friend, mentor, or even someone they met online.

The other partner might be uncomfortable with the relationship, but with little understanding of what emotional infidelity is or why it can be so painful, they may not know how to handle the situation or even bring it up to their partner. Here’s how to recognize emotional infidelity and determine whether it’s an issue for your relationship.

Keeping Secrets With the Outside Person

Emotional infidelity generally involves an element of secrecy. It’s not just about having a close connection with someone outside of your relationship. The partner engaging in emotional infidelity will generally make an effort to hide what’s really going on. They may hang out with the outside person without telling their partner or attempting to include them.

Additionally, they might try to call, text, or email the outside person when they know that their partner won’t notice. They might even try to minimize or lie about how much time they spend talking to the outside person. They often tell the outside person things that they don’t share with their partner.

Running to the Outside Person During Conflicts

It’s normal to turn to a close friend for advice sometimes when you and your partner are going through a rough patch. But if your partner immediately runs to someone who could be a potential romantic interest when you’re dealing with an unresolved conflict, this is a red flag for emotional infidelity.

It’s also a strong indicator that they are telling the outside person sensitive details about their relationship that their partner may not want shared.

Comparing Your Partner to the Outside Person

Perhaps your partner has explicitly expressed that you should be more like the outside person they’ve been connecting with. Or maybe they’ve only implied it, but you still feel discouraged and frustrated.

You feel like your partner barely sees your good qualities anymore because they’re so fixated on the outside person. You worry that you’ll never be “good enough” for them. In reality, there’s nothing wrong with you. They’re just blinded by their emotional affair.

Ignoring Your Partner’s Concerns

Maybe you’ve told your partner that you’re uncomfortable with their relationship with the outside person. You’ve expressed that you don’t want them sharing certain things about you, or requested that you could be invited when they spend time with the outside person.

Rather than taking your concerns into consideration and taking steps to change, your partner has dismissed or mocked your requests. They may have told you that you’re stepping out of bounds, or that you’re being too sensitive or insecure.

Preventing Your Partner From Seeing Conversations

Maybe you’ve asked your partner what they talk about with the outside person. Rather than opening up, your partner shuts you down and tries to keep these conversations private. Perhaps you’ve had to borrow your partner’s phone to call someone or send a text when yours died, but your partner instantly became cagey, and didn’t want you to use their phone.

If your partner has a healthy friendship with someone, they won’t mind if you happen to see their texts or emails with them. But if they’re emotionally cheating, they will try to hide things.

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Is emotional infidelity affecting your relationship? Working with a therapist can help you overcome it. Reach out to us today to discuss your options for scheduling your first session for couples therapy.